There is Pleasure in Grief.

There is pleasure in grief.

So there I was, 2am, awake. This is not usual for me. I’m an accomplished sleeper.

My mind was churning on a big worry I’d been trying to manage for weeks with meditation, sitting in my body tension until it began to molt and flow, going to the gym, going for a walk in nature: all the practices I know to do. Not enough.

I could feel the terror and BIG grief in my body. 

I really didn’t want to go down there.

I got out of bed and sat on the couch in my living room. “You can do this.” I coached myself, without a lot of surety.

Touching the edges of the deep, almost explosive tension in my body with awareness of sensation...

Really not wanting to be there.

Reaching for an anchor, even though my mind and body were rejecting any possibility of comfort or ease as part of the voice in my wound.

The anchor sinks: a tiny moment-memory of sitting, watching the the flow of the nearby river. The swirls and patterns on the surface of the moving water. It’s a tiny corner of ease.

The huge block of grief begins to loosen. 

Oh, shit, I’m going in. Here it comes.

Uncontrollable racking sobs begin to bubble up. It’s hard to breathe, to catch my breath.

“This is deep grief alright!” My witnessing consciousness holds vigil and tracks the unfolding energies.

"Don’t be too loud, the neighbors will hear."

How often might I have thought this same thing as a child? (And you?)

Try to hold it in. Don’t wake up your parents. Not because my parents weren’t nice people. (How were your parents with emotions?) It’s just the content of the grief somehow says, “This is too hard to let anyone be with you in. It’s too vulnerable to open and risk accompaniment.”

I’m riding the wave of this big emotional release, getting kicked off the surf board, churning in the backwash, getting ground into the ocean floor.

Mostly my witness consciousness can hang in there. I’ve been here before. I know this territory. I don’t like this terrain, but I know it. I know it is necessary and fruitful.

There are moments when I lose my grip. I can feel the dissociation. It’s too much. That’s OK. It’s OK to go out for a bit. I allow it. I just need a moment. I’ll be back.

I descend back into my body and survey what’s what.

There is a LOT of sensation in my body. Trembling. Tensing and releasing. Bracing and surrendering, nausea from the cortisol rush of the terror of falling apart with no one to catch me. (Who catches you?)

I’m tracking it all.

Ah, I see what set it all off. 

I was doing my own Life Purpose Alignment practice earlier in the day. It’s a strong energy alignment practice.

I sent up a prayer for a chronic misalignment in my body to finally goddamn well show me what it was about so I could shift it. Be careful what you pray for! Here it is…

The epicentre of the clenching down to hold together is in just that spot. Ah…jackpot.

The tears well up and over again to a crescendo. And then I get the download.

As my Emotional Body clears, my Mental Body lights up with clarity.

Ping. The trigger names itself. The words bubble up and reveal themselves. Because the emotions need to flow before the mind can clear and get back on board.

“No one will take care of me if I fall apart or collapse.” Bingo. That is the deep Alarmed Aloneness that is the content of this big grief block finally emptying out.

As the words form to name it, my memory cascades back to times in my life when that felt really true. Times that proved the belief to be truth. This conglomerate of memories linked by theme is unpacking now.

I look at each memory one-by-one with great compassion. Oh, that me back then, let me go hold her.

There is an orgasm of relief as I identify the content of the grief block. I realize I’m kind of having  a grief orgasm! It’s moving through my body with the same kind of potency.

Phew, I made it.

The tears are softer now, like the rain petering out. I can breathe. I can ride the wave down. I can blow my nose. So much toilet paper used. (I was out of kleenex). I’m a gooey mess. Oh well.

Now, I see the wound, the belief, cascade back even further to a past-life trauma imprint I am very familiar with. 

It’s another fragment of the shrapnel of a pivotal soul moment, being extracted, cleaned and bandaged for healing. 

As I make the connection, I also have a clear knowing of the support I need to reach out for: soul friends who shared the same lifetime. They will get it and can offer the necessary accompaniment for deeper understanding and relief. I earmark this action step.

There is sweet relief in my body. A relief of tension. More energy flow. Breathing is sweet and begins to nourish me.

It feels like reaching the top of the mountain and getting to enjoy the view.

With the relief of tension, the clearing out of this big block, pleasure starts to flow gently in my body again.

I need to get up, drink water. I’m hungry (it’s hard work clearing blocks!). I want a cup of tea. 

I take this time to tend to myself.

Then the next wave slowly washes in, quietly. The CREATIVE wave!

From underneath the block, more essence, more light, more me.

This is the pleasure of receiving more of my creative impulse.

I sit down at my computer. It’s 3 am now. The ideas are coming quickly, I need to write. 

As I write, more clarity and purpose arises. I know who I need to help with my healing work right now. I write a list of contacts to reach out to. Action steps. It feels deeply RIGHT. There is knowing. More of me is birthing and arriving.

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In small or big moments, this is the work we must each do to heal our wounds and bring forth our deepest gifts and calling.

I believe the universe sneaks up on us sometimes and wears us down with stress, just so we can open into these deep wells of old hurt within us to finally empty them out.

These are mini-initiations into our power and the renewed flow of our divine light within.

Since we have few authentic rituals or initiations available to us to provide the necessary container for these metamorphoses, spirit tries to provide for us how it can! 

Each healing session I do with you, is one of these mini-initiations.

The healing room is the container.

If we work online, the healing room is our shared intention and energy connection which creates sacred space.

I accompany you to go down directly into your body, your energy field, and excavate the blocks. 

Some hold grief. Some hold rage. Some hold terror. Many hold alarmed aloneness.

All of them hold insight and your own light: the treasure ready to be released by the dragons.

Ready to move forward by going inward? 

I’m here when you are ready.

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3 ways to step further into the Healing Room

➡️ $37 Join me for Healing the Mother Wound final group on Saturday, June 21.

➡️ $225-$325 Returning clients book a session.

➡️ $750-$650/month. New clients deep dive Pain to Purpose journey to clear out multiple layers of stress, emotional pain, personal trauma and generational trauma (and the occasional past life!)