The Things We Stuff Down Deep Inside (turn into energy blocks).

It will seem like this article is about me. It’s about you too.

It’s about the things we stuff down deep inside because we don’t have the true accompaniment we need at the time to allow the grief, the rage, the overwhelm, the fear, the disgust, the pain, to flow through and out. 

It’s about how that pain we have to stuff down, turns into an energy block inside our body, or inside a chakra;

how that energy block starts to trickle down into our physical body to create symptoms; 

how the symptoms act like an alarm bell trying to get our attention;

maybe even about how long we ignore the symptoms–the guidance–and hope it will just go away.

We look for guidance in all kinds of other ways from oracle cards, to psychic readings, to asking for signs, when the primary form of guidance…DISCOMFORT…is trying to get our attention all the time.

The alarm bell gets louder and louder, the physical illness worse and worse, hoping to call us home to the tenderness our pain needs.

Answering the call becomes a transformational journey of initiation that healing our pain calls us to, to initiate us into our deeper maturity, presence, and PURPOSE.

So here is my story, that is also your story.

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Processing my mother’s death 28 years later.

My mom died of cancer 1 month after I turned 25. I was in the middle of my first year of 4 years of energy healing training at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing. It was 1995. (Have you had, or are you currently in a healing crisis in your own life?)

Today, 28 years later, at the age of 53, I am going through peri-menopause. It’s a no-holds barred situation! I’m learning that anything that had to be put on the backburner as I was ‘life-ing’ is now calling for excavation and clearing.

It is an initiation. 

A rite of passage into my deeper calling as an elder/older/teacher/crone as I near age 54. 

I’d like to tell you it’s all tickety-boo, and I’m cruising through this initiation smoothly with no symptoms. 

Nope. I’m pretty much getting my ass kicked over here.

I could slap some HRT (hormone replacement therapy) onto it and keep going like I’m 30 or 40, but I don’t want to. 

I’m stubborn that way. I want to see what is down here. (No judgement if you do choose that, choice is our greatest power).

The crone aspect of the goddess is serious about getting some deep meaningful transformation done in me so I can continue to grow, be of greater service and come more into the power of my QUEEN archetype.

So back to mom…

…and this big deep, contracted, painful block sitting in my heart chakra.

When I take time to slow down, attune and feel (just like I teach you to do as the first skill you learn when we work together), I’m aware of contraction and emotional pain in my heart space. 

So today, on vacation, I have more time and space to sit, settle and touch the edge of that feeling in my heart.

An image arises pretty quickly as I drop into the sensations in my heart space:

My mom, her hair shaved short (it actually really looked good) due to the hair loss from chemotherapy, lying in her makeshift bed in the living room, very weak. I see her fine hands, which I have, and zoom in on the wedding ring on her left hand for some reason.

She’s dying. She will be gone in another 3-4 months after this scene.

Back then, we never talked about the hard fact that she wasn’t going to make it.

At age 24/25 I had no idea what to do. 

I feel in my body today, as I revisit this memory, that I basically went into a freeze response. My life energy locked down and stopped moving. I went numb and kept functioning. In trauma healing, we call this a ‘functional freeze’.

In my inner image, I see myself standing before her, looking at her, and I feel the locking up in my body. The stopping of the flow of energy in my field, emotional and physical. 

Applying all I know from my years of training in generational healing, healing the mother wound, healing energy blocks and trauma healing, I quickly shift the image.

I edit the scene and picture myself curling up on her left side in the litter with her. She wraps her left arm around me and pulls me close.

Even though she is dying, I let her hold me. I let her be the big one, as she would have wanted to for her daughter. Her deep mother’s heart would have wanted to care for me, no matter what.

I got into a pattern of pushing her away a lot growing up. In generational trauma healing we call this a ‘rejection’ pattern. Now I remedy that.

I cry in this little movie inside my head. I cry in present time as I sit processing all this.

In the new healing image, we talk about the fact that she is dying. That neither of us wants this. But it is so. As I replay the scene in a healing way, we get to do what we didn’t know how to do then.

I feel the deep, wrenching pain in my heart that I’m losing my mom. I can handle feeling it now.

I face the terrible confusion about our relationship at that time, which was strained as I struggled to rebel and go my own way.

I let her be there for me.

I’m feeling a lot moving in my chest and my heart. The feelings I had to deeply stuff are unpacking, moving, emptying out.

It doesn’t take long, only a few minutes, before the light and creative impulse trapped underneath the block in my heart comes to life and unfolds into a new expression of my inner purpose.

“I have to write about this for my clients! This is such a clear example of how to touch into a long-held block, accompany it and transmute it back into purpose!”

I fetch my computer and write this article. It flows pretty easily now that the creative force within me is moving.

It is another mini-initiation through my own pain, into my purpose as a healer. 

My purpose as a healer is to guide and hold wise space for you to transform your pain into the calling your life has for you. 

I’m here to help you heal the pain and unlock the potential underneath so you can contribute your healing light to our world–which is much in need.

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The hard thing you had to do becomes the exquisite mastery that you become known for.

Often, what makes us magnetic is not the ‘love and light’ but the ways we have weathered our darkness.

Seren Bertrand

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[Gentle reminder. Please don’t send email replies of sympathy. Thank-you. This is not a need for me. There is no ‘poor me’. My life with mom unfolded exactly as we planned it on a soul level, so I could have the initiation I needed to deepen my healership. As I say this, I see her smiling at me with great pride and I feel that pride as an opening in my chest.

I’m using my own story as an example of the journey of transformation from Pain to Purpose that I am initiated to guide you through.]

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YOUR TURN

Is there something you had to stuff a long time ago that you know or suspect still lives in your body?

➡️ Take a 10-15 minute break right now and sit comfortably. Or star and save this email for later on today when you can make some time for yourself.

➡️ Take the first 2-3 minutes to just ORIENT. This means, look around your space. Slow down. Shift gears. Take in your environment. Let your nervous system check out your space, take in details and settle. Let your energy field pulsations come down from your head to your heart and body.

➡️ Now begin to scan your body for sensations. You are actually tuning in to the 1st level of your Aura when you do this. Where does it hurt? Where do you feel congested, compressed, blank, numb, frazzled, panicked? 

➡️ Gently sit with this sensation. Stay with it. If it feels like too much, back off to just touching the very edge of the sensation with your awareness, like a feather light touch. Back off until it becomes tolerable to stay with, just gently touching at the edge.

➡️ Hang out with curiosity and see what happens.

This may be all you can do. Good start! If it’s a lot, you may need accompaniment. Let’s work together so I can provide that for you.

➡️ If you can stay, notice if sensations start to change, or a memory or image connected to the sensation comes up. This is the “content” of the block. It’s the unfinished story or experience from your life ‘written’ inside the energy block.

➡️ Watch the memory. What are you feeling emotionally and physically? Take note.

Would you like to step into this scene or memory and provide what is needed? A comforting touch from your present day, more aware self? Eye contact? Words of acknowledgement or kindness?

➡️ What do you feel emotionally and physically if you are able to do this?

Well done, you are well on your way towards transforming an old block!

Would you like help to do this work? Step further into the Healing Room with me. Here’s how:

If you are ready to step deeper into the Healing Room and be guided gently and wisely through the things you have had to stuff deep down inside which have now become blocks and physical symptoms, I’m here for you with my 26 years of experience ready to walk you step-by-step through your own initiation. Here’s how we can work together.